Something More Powerful than Fear
I wished so much that God would take my fear away. I prayed and prayed that He would. Ever since I was born, I have been terrified of everything….loud noises, masks, grass, water and airplanes, hearing tests, doctors, shots, thunder and lightning, new places, new people, and pretty much everything else one can think of.
My fear came to it’s all time high after my husband and I lost our first baby girl, Kyla, when I was eight months pregnant with her. I remember thinking that God would never let my baby die…and then my baby did die.
From then on my heart was ferociously afraid of God. I was twenty one years old when fear began actually running my life. My husband was a pastor and as a pastor’s wife I felt like I shouldn’t be the way I was. I felt like I shouldn’t be afraid of this God. The Bible says not to fear…and so I tried to put on the strong face and to not fear.
I remember just sitting on the couch literally shaking with terror. Many times I was unable to leave my apartment for a month at a time. So many times I would work up enough courage to go to the grocery store to buy food for my family just to get there and not be able to get out of the car because the fear took over.
I was terrified to live. I was terrified to die. And I was terrified to Love.
This fear sent me into an intense searching out of this God I thought I knew…I knew I had to find Him and so I searched with all my fearful heart to find him…..And one day over ten years later my Jesus showed up and everything changed. When He showed up my He let my heart know that He was Good and that He loved me! Somehow, His love that he let me experience that night changed my heart.
Yet, the fear did not all go away. I still struggled with my fears I had become so accustomed to….but little by little I began to learn how God is bigger and more powerful than fear.
I remember it was about 4 years later, God sent me to Africa…alone. I was so hoping God would take my fear away. I was so full of passion and a knowing I had to go to Africa, but I was tremendously fearful…especially of flying! God did not take away my fear. In fact, I had to work so hard to just keep looking at Jesus and remembering that He is bigger and more powerful than my fear just to get on that airplane!
Just the other day I was re-reading some of my journaling I did when I was in Uganda for the first time back in 2013. It read, “All I feel is being afraid. I feel so quiet and shy.”
I remember on that first trip alone to Uganda learning that who we are follows us wherever we go…but God being with us is bigger and more powerful than who we are.
God is bigger than my fear.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work in us…To Him be the glory…. Thank you, Jesus…